Don't Lose Youself
by Sky Rose
Summary: It turns out, Renji wasn't "The Master Beast Tamer"


I frowned as I read the match order for the finals at Nationals.

"Seiichi, there seems to be a mistake." I said quietly, wonder if he had lost his mind temporarily.

"There's no mistake there, Renji. You're playing doubles two with Akaya." He said, that smile that said 'don't argue with me.'

"Akaya isn't good at doubles." I protested. It was true, I could keep him calm for the most part – but that was on our own practice courts. In an actual, official match, I wasn't quite so sure. And it was against Seigaku – we were all out for vengeance. And who knew exactly who we'd be up against.

"It'll be an experience then, won't it?" Seiichi smiled and walked out of the room.

Honestly, I wasn't surprised at who we went up against. Personally, I think all four of us forgot we were playing doubles. I was so focused on Sadaharu that I wasn't concentrating on taking Kaidou's presence into account. Akaya was so focused on Kaidou at first.

I think calling this fate was a bit more than what it was.

I just wish Kaidou hadn't provoked Akaya into i that/i.

It was bad enough that Akaya hit Sadaharu hard enough that his glasses came flying onto our side of the court. I couldn't believe that Akaya went as far as to break his glasses as well. A few well placed pokes with my racket moved him, and I handed what was left of the frames back to Sadaharu, apologizing. I've known forever he always has at least five spare pairs. I still haven't figured out why.

I must say, I was shocked when they finally did take a game off of us. Then again, I doubt either of us expected he would use Yagyuu's technique against us. Very few of our own team could return the Laser Beam. Actually, I think perhaps Niou and Seiichi are capable of it, but they're the only ones.

That was when Akaya was hit. He went into ithat/i mode again. Even I couldn't do anything to control him.

That was when he started ignoring Kaidou completely, and attacked Sadaharu.

Even I couldn't stand to watch an old friend get injured in such a way. I warned him that it was too dangerous to continue with this match.

He refused. I always did admire his stubbornness, but when it was glaringly obvious that he should give up, I wonder for his sanity. It was then that Kaidou started looking like Akaya. I think we all froze at that.

Even from where he lay on the court, Sadaharu stopped him. I was impressed. Jealous even. None of us could control Akaya. Sadaharu broke Kaidou's devil mode with just a few words. And he was still collecting data, even while being beaten nearly to death.

Sadaharu got up with Kaidou's help. I frowned. How could he keep going in that condition?

Simply, he couldn't. I winced imperceptibly as he fell to the ground. I will never admit it to Seiichi, but my heart stopped for a few seconds. "Well done, Sadaharu." I whispered quietly. Luckily no one heard me as Kaidou screamed out in concern for his sempai.

I watched as Sadaharu was wheeled off the court on a stretcher. All because I didn't have a strong enough connection with my own kouhai to be able to control the devil mode.

I think I bwas/b jealous.

I walked off the court after we were declared the winners. How is this a victory when it ended like this? I'm sure Seiichi thinks that a victory is a victory, but this time I was not letting my emotions get to me. There was no unfinished game to finish. It was a match on very equal terms.

I wasn't even aware of Akaya following me off the court. We passed Niou as he approached the court for the next match. I offered him a grim smile. I think he knew.

When I finally was alone with Akaya I snapped. I don't hit nearly as hard as Genichirou, but I still hit him across the face. He was coming back around to normal, the red had gone back to just his eyes. It was still disconcerting to me.

I couldn't help it. I was angry. He had hurt one of the closest friends I'd ever had in my life.

"Sheesh, Yanagi-sempai!' Akaya said, wincing and rubbing his cheek where I had hit him.

I wish I could calm down. It was rare for me to seethe like this. I couldn't return to the stands in this state though. I was berating myself for being a hypocrite. I was about to start tearing into Akaya when I just collapsed onto the nearest seat.

"Akaya." I said quietly. It was one of my more dangerous tones. "Go and watch Niou's match." I told him. I needed to be alone for a few minutes. Akaya took a step closer to me. "GO!" I yelled at him. Akaya honestly looked scared of me, and I couldn't blame him. I'd be scared of me too.

He finally left, leaving me alone. When I could stand up again, I went and splashed cold water on my face and took a moment to compose myself. Akaya had just seen a side of me that I didn't like showing to anyone.

"Which of us is truly a demon?" I whispered quietly to my reflection. I was finally calm enough that I could stand being around others now. Hopefully no one would ask Akaya about what had happened here, though I have the feeling Seiichi will have guessed.

I watched the next two matches with my normal calm. Underneath that calm, I was honestly worried for Sadaharu. I can't say I was entirely relieved when I saw him return for the final match. After all, the doctor apparently thought he was almost dead and decided to mummify him. Or perhaps it was a doctor with a sense of humor. I let out a small sigh of relief anyway.

I felt a nudge in my ribcage. "Your concern is showing." A lazy drawl said to me.

I stiffened, and renewed my efforts at keeping my emotionless mask in place. "I don't know what you're talking about." That earned me a look of disbelief, but Niou dropped the subject.

Akaya kept glancing at me, as if I was going to snap again. Not in front of the others I wouldn't. I was still jealous that Sadaharu had such a strong bond with his younger doubles partner. I had to wonder in the back of my mind when all of us knew that he was a better singles player why he still played doubles.

I think if I had a set partner like Jackal and Marui, and Niou and Yagyuu, this might not have been such a horrible experience. I would have preferred playing with Niou again, honestly.

I must say, this was one time when Yukimura Seiichi had been very wrong. Even the Child of God can be wrong apparently.

After the ceremonies, I grabbed Akaya by the arm and forcibly dragged him over to where Seigaku was celebrating. I tapped Sadaharu on the shoulder to get his attention. I pushed Akaya forward, still holding on to his arm. "I believe Akaya has something to tell you."

Akaya snarled at me me. "Akaya." I said warningly. He recognized the tone, and realized what I wanted him to do.

"I'm sorry." Akaya said quietly. I'm not sure if either of us felt that he meant it, but it apparently satisfied Sadaharu. I let Akaya go so he could run off.

Yet again, we stood in awkward silence. I smiled a little. "Congratulations." I said, and turned around. I felt a hand grasp mine. I turned around again.

"I'm not blaming you." Sadaharu said quietly.

I shook my head. "You were able to do what I couldn't." I said. "I think our eternal question has finally been answered."

It was hard to tell what kind of expression Sadaharu had on his face with it bandaged like it was. "Renji..." I just shook my head.

"I'm sorry." I said quite clearly and walked away. At least he heard me this time. I'm not sure if I'd be forgiven for this either. I honestly don't want to be.


End file.
